Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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