i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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