i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize