this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
This baby is an asshole
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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