she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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