So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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