It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Randomize
