apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
