my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize