My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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