I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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