Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize