tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
