I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
