I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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