haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
