all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
