I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
