somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I have aggressive nipples.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
