took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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