Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
