Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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