I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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