My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
