I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You ruined the universe
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize