Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
