Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
