At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
