you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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