If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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