You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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