saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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