i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize