mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
