Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize