yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
