last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
