I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Four minutes until I can fart!
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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