I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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