She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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