I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
