The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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