everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
