I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
only you would photoshop your dick
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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