I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
