; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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