i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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