No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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