i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
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