oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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