i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
