how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
