WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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