Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
