i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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