I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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