i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Randomize
