My hand turned me down
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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