This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
