Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
