I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
