Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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