if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
