She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
