and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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