let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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