toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i will never coherently bang her
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
