Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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