I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i just sent this text using only my big toe
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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