Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
