This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
