If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
